Gentle Doesn’t Mean Permissive: How to Effectively Address Biting and Hitting in Young Children

Are You Struggling with Your Toddler’s Biting or Hitting Behaviors? You’re not alone—and you’re not failing.

Many parents find themselves grappling with biting, hitting, scratching, or pushing during early childhood. These behaviors can feel alarming or even shame-inducing, especially in public settings or around other parents. You might wonder, “What am I doing wrong?” or fear that your child’s aggression means something is fundamentally broken. The truth is, these behaviors are developmentally normal and very common—even in secure, loving homes. What matters most is how we respond. These moments are not a reflection of your parenting failure, but rather an invitation to guide your child through their overwhelming emotions. With calm, consistent, and compassionate strategies, these behaviors can be redirected, not punished.

Research shows that harsh discipline or punitive reactions often escalate aggression or suppress a child’s emotional expression without addressing its root cause (Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor, 2016). Instead, using emotion coaching, co-regulation, and age-appropriate limits helps children build the critical internal tools for self-control, empathy, and problem-solving over time (Gottman & Declaire, 1997; Siegel & Bryson, 2011).

When caregivers model emotional regulation and provide safe, firm boundaries, children learn that it’s okay to have big feelings—but it’s not okay to hurt others. And just as importantly, they learn that their caregivers are safe, consistent, and emotionally available no matter what. This process takes time and patience. But you’re not alone in this journey—and with the right tools, you can help your child transform these challenging behaviors into opportunities for connection, learning, and growth.

Understanding Why Kids Bite and Hit

Biting and hitting in young children are not signs of a “bad” child or bad parenting. Rather, they are primitive forms of communication—often instinctive reactions when a child feels overwhelmed, overstimulated, frightened, or unable to articulate their needs and emotions (Grogan, 2017). These behaviors can emerge as early as the toddler stage, when children begin asserting autonomy but have not yet developed the verbal skills or emotional regulation tools to manage interpersonal challenges.

Developmentally, this makes sense. Children under the age of five are still in the early stages of brain development, particularly in the prefrontal cortex, the area of the brain that governs executive functioning skills such as impulse control, empathy, reflection, and planning (Siegel & Bryson, 2011). This part of the brain doesn’t fully mature until the mid-20s, and in young children, it’s especially underdeveloped. In contrast, the amygdala, the brain’s threat detector, is highly active. When young children feel threatened—emotionally or physically—they often default to a fight, flight, or freeze response. Biting or hitting may simply be a “fight” response, triggered by the brain’s survival system.

Additionally, toddlers are navigating big developmental leaps. As they move from babyhood into early childhood, they are learning to assert independence, make choices, navigate social hierarchies (like turn-taking and toy-sharing), and cope with frustrations—all of which can overwhelm their nervous system. Physical aggression can serve as a release valve for their internal stress, especially when they don’t yet possess the verbal or emotional vocabulary to process what they’re experiencing.

It’s also important to understand that many children go through a temporary phase of hitting or biting as a way of experimenting with cause and effect. For example, a toddler may hit a sibling and watch intently to see what happens. If it elicits a big reaction, that reinforces the behavior—not because the child is malicious, but because they are naturally wired to be curious about how the world responds to their actions.

In short, biting and hitting are often the symptom, not the problem. When adults take time to understand the underlying needs—whether it’s connection, rest, predictability, or support with transitions—we can guide children toward more adaptive ways of expressing themselves. The key is to see these behaviors not as willful defiance, but as an invitation to teach, connect, and co-regulate.

Common triggers include:

• Fatigue or overstimulation

• Struggles over toys or space

• Transitions (like leaving the park)

• Seeking attention or testing boundaries

What Doesn’t Work: Punishment or Shame

While yelling, spanking, or time-outs might seem effective in the short term, they often create fear or shame rather than understanding. These responses may stop the behavior momentarily but fail to teach the child skills for emotional regulation or healthy social interaction (Kohn, 2005). Instead, children may learn to suppress feelings or act out more covertly.

What Does Work: Connection and Consistency

1. Prevention is key

Anticipate high-risk situations and intervene early. Keep transitions smooth, prepare children in advance, and ensure their physical needs (sleep, food, sensory input) are met. Model calm behavior and help label emotions: “You’re feeling mad because she took the toy.”

2. Teach replacement behaviors

Rather than simply saying “Don’t hit,” offer alternatives:

• “When you’re mad, you can say ‘Stop!’ or stomp your feet.”

• Practice with puppets, stories, or role-play to build muscle memory in calmer moments.

3. Stay calm and firm

Use a calm, neutral tone to stop the behavior. “I won’t let you hit. That hurts.” Then redirect or remove the child gently if needed. Consistent boundaries make children feel safe, even when they push against them.

4. Reflect and repair

After the child is calm, circle back and discuss what happened using age-appropriate language. Encourage empathy: “How do you think your friend felt when you bit her?” Help your child repair the harm, whether through words, a hug, or drawing a picture.

5. Focus on connection

Children act out more when they feel disconnected. Build strong bonds through regular one-on-one time, play, and emotional availability. When children feel safe, they’re more open to guidance.

“I’ve Tried Everything—Nothing Works.”

If you’re feeling like you’ve tried every approach under the sun—timeouts, redirection, sticker charts, reasoning, even ignoring the behavior—and your child is still biting or hitting, you’re not alone. This is one of the most common emotional experiences parents share, often accompanied by guilt, frustration, or even hopelessness. But here’s something critical to remember: behavior change is not linear, especially in young children. And sometimes, the more we react to the behavior, the more unintentionally reinforced it becomes.

In her groundbreaking book Don’t Shoot the Dog, behavioral scientist Karen Pryor explains how all behavior is shaped through reinforcement—whether we’re conscious of it or not. This means that even subtle reactions like gasping, yelling “no,” or picking a child up immediately after they hit can sometimes reinforce the behavior by providing attention or a power response (Pryor, 2002). Understanding the basic principles of behavior shaping—reinforcement, extinction, and timing—can radically shift how we approach discipline.

If nothing seems to work, it may be time to change how you’re measuring success. Are you looking for immediate extinction of the behavior? Or are you building a long-term foundation for emotional regulation, which often involves setbacks and testing boundaries? Children thrive when parents are predictable, emotionally regulated, and consistent—even when the behavior doesn’t immediately change. This doesn’t mean tolerating harm, but it does mean staying calm, staying present, and trusting the process of rewiring your child’s nervous system and emotional responses over time.

Behavioral change takes time, practice, and patience. You’re not failing. You’re building a foundation.

Looking Inward: How Your Energy Shapes Your Child’s Behavior

Parenting a child who bites or hits can feel overwhelming and even personal. But before jumping to fix the child’s behavior, it’s powerful to pause and reflect: What emotional tone exists in our home? What unspoken tensions or unresolved stress might my child be absorbing? This isn’t about blaming parents—it’s about recognizing that children, particularly in their early, preverbal years, are highly sensitive to the emotional climate around them. Their nervous systems are still developing, and they rely on their caregivers to co-regulate their emotions. When a parent is anxious, distracted, or under ongoing stress, the child may begin to express that tension physically—through biting, hitting, or tantrums—because they lack the words to express what they feel.

This idea is supported by family systems theory, which views a child’s behavior not as isolated but as embedded within a relational system (Bowen, 1978). According to this model, children often take on the emotional burdens of the family system and unconsciously express them through their bodies and behaviors. If there’s unspoken conflict between caregivers, inconsistent routines, or chronic overwhelm in the home, the child may act as an emotional “barometer,” externalizing internal family stress. Robin Grille (2005) refers to children’s misbehavior not as manipulation or defiance, but as raw emotional data—messages about the system itself. Preverbal children, especially, often carry this load through somatic expressions like aggression, which are cries for connection, clarity, or calm.

The key takeaway for parents is this: you are the emotional thermostat of the home. The more you can slow down, self-regulate, and reflect on your own responses, the more safety and clarity your child will feel. Emotional regulation is not just a skill to teach children—it’s something they absorb through relationship. Siegel and Bryson (2011) highlight the importance of “mindsight”—a parent’s ability to make sense of their own mental and emotional states—as a foundation for attuned parenting. When you become more aware of your internal landscape, you’re better equipped to respond to your child with compassion instead of reactivity. This subtle shift in parental presence often leads to profound changes in the child’s behavior—not because the child was “fixed,” but because the system became safer and more stable.

This doesn’t mean you have to be perfect. What it means is that creating moments of attunement—through deep breaths, eye contact, nonverbal warmth, and quiet curiosity—can lower your child’s stress and decrease the behaviors that feel so hard to manage. You can begin this shift simply by asking yourself, “What am I feeling right now? And what might my child be feeling because of what I’m bringing into the space?” This self-inquiry becomes the foundation of healing not just for your child, but for the entire family.

Books and Tools for Parents and Caregivers

Navigating biting and hitting in young children can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re unsure what strategies to trust. The following books and resources are backed by neuroscience, behavioral psychology, and decades of clinical and classroom experience. They offer insight, reassurance, and practical techniques for managing challenging behaviors in ways that nurture long-term emotional growth and connection.

• The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson
  This book is a go-to resource for understanding what’s happening in your child’s brain during moments of dysregulation. Siegel and Bryson provide age-appropriate strategies for helping children develop emotional intelligence, self-regulation, and resilience—essential tools that eventually replace aggressive behaviors like hitting and biting (Siegel & Bryson, 2011).

• No-Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson
  A follow-up to The Whole-Brain Child, this book helps parents move away from punitive models and instead respond to misbehavior with calm, connected, and consistent guidance. It teaches how to set boundaries and correct behavior while preserving the parent-child relationship, reinforcing that discipline means “to teach,” not “to punish” (Siegel & Bryson, 2014).

• Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn
  Kohn challenges conventional discipline models like timeouts and reward charts, urging parents to look beyond short-term obedience and toward the deeper goals of moral development and internal motivation. His compassionate framework invites us to consider what messages we’re sending children through our discipline and how to honor their full humanity (Kohn, 2005).

• “Understanding and Responding to Children Who Bite” by Bridget Grogan (2017)
  Published in Young Children, this article gives a clear, empathetic overview of why young children bite and how early childhood educators—and by extension, parents—can respond constructively. Grogan emphasizes prevention through environment, communication, and teaching emotional literacy, all in ways that are easy to apply at home.

• Don’t Shoot the Dog by Karen Pryor
  While originally written for animal trainers, this classic behavioral science book has become a cult favorite among parents, teachers, and therapists alike. Pryor introduces the principles of behavior shaping—positive reinforcement, extinction, and timing—and shows how these tools can be used to change behavior without yelling, punishing, or bribing. A must-read for anyone feeling like “nothing works,” it reveals how powerful consistent, low-drama reinforcement can be (Pryor, 2002).

Final Thoughts

Biting and hitting are not signs of a “bad” child or a failing parent. They are natural—though often alarming—attempts at communication from a young nervous system that hasn’t yet developed the skills to regulate big emotions or express needs with words. These behaviors are not moral flaws; they are developmental milestones. And more often than not, they invite us to look not just at the child, but inward—at our own energy, stress, reactions, and expectations.

Children, especially preverbal ones, are finely attuned to the emotional climate of their home. When we’re overwhelmed, disconnected, or operating in survival mode, our kids often feel it before we even say a word. Sometimes their acting out is a mirror—one that reflects the unspoken tensions, stress cycles, or unmet emotional needs in the family system. This isn’t about blame—it’s about recognizing that self-regulation in parenting is foundational to co-regulation with our children.

The good news? These behaviors are temporary and highly responsive to safe, consistent, emotionally attuned caregiving. When we meet our child’s dysregulation with our own grounded presence, we begin to teach them—through our nervous system—how to calm their own. Discipline rooted in connection rather than control doesn’t just manage behavior; it builds emotional safety, resilience, and a lifelong capacity for empathy.

If you’re feeling stuck, discouraged, or like nothing is working, you are not alone. Parenting is complex and deeply personal, and the challenges that push us the hardest are often the ones that call us to grow the most. I work with parents every day to co-create customized, science-backed strategies that restore peace in the home—by supporting the whole system, not just the symptoms. You don’t have to carry this alone. If you’re navigating biting, hitting, or any other behavioral storm, I’d be honored to walk alongside you. Let’s work together to bring clarity, compassion, and calm back into your family’s rhythm.

References

Bowen, M. (1978). Family therapy in clinical practice. Jason Aronson.

Grille, R. (2005). Parenting for a peaceful world. Longueville Books.

Grogan, B. (2017). Understanding and responding to biting in toddlers. Young Children, 72(4), 14–22.

Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional parenting: Moving from rewards and punishments to love and reason. Atria Books.

Pryor, K. (2002). Don’t shoot the dog: The new art of teaching and training (Rev. ed.). Bantam.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child: 12 revolutionary strategies to nurture your child’s developing mind. Delacorte Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline: The whole-brain way to calm the chaos and nurture your child’s developing mind. Bantam.