What to do and not do in a Relationship

Mar 11

Choosing a partner in life is such an important decision that it is helpful to think it thoroughly through before bringing someone into your life. There are many factors to take into consideration and many questions to ask yourself as the process of choosing your partner takes place.

The first most important factor to consider is whether or not the person you are considering enhances your life or not. Do they bring you more happiness than you already have or is what you're experiencing a false sense of dependence? Does this person walk hand in hand with you on your own path to growth as they expand their own mind and way of thinking or are either of you pulling the other person down? Are you learning and growing from them or are things stagnant?

Conflict. This is a major consideration before entangling your life with someone. Conflict has many facets to it.

The first of several facets to think about is the frequency and intensity of the conflict. Research over the decades by John Gottman and his very capable team have shown that in essentially all relationships around the world over time, 2 people experience the same frequency and intensity of conflict as any other 2 people. What does this mean? That means that conflict is pretty much bound to happen. How you deal with it is what makes the difference between a successful relationship and one that maintains unhappiness or ends altogether.

In relationships that are successful, 2 people grow stronger every time there is conflict. In relationships that end or maintain misery, the conflict keeps creating more and more disconnect. If you're having trouble handling conflict within a relationship, seeking couples counseling is a great place to start. Individual therapy is also very helpful because even if just one of two people is working on the relationship, that relationship will likely experience shifts. Both individuals can achieve better insight through therapy as well.

Some bullet point ideas to remember are listed in the image below.

All this said, if you are experiencing relationship damaging conflict, look inwards instead of blaming, getting defensive, holding contempt, or turning away from your partner. What to do instead are learn the tools and skills specific to your relationship that will help you overcome these undesirable experiences.

Some things you can do if you want your relationship to grow stronger

Be kind
Be empathic
Give the thing you want to receive
Don’t keep score
Work on yourself
Don’t add fuel to the fire of conflict
Let your calm energy be stronger than your partner’s worked up energy
Keep yourself physically healthy and agile
Don’t let your life stressors mask themselves as relationship stressors

Romantic love is a strange, semi-psychotic mix of sex and sentiment

Dr. Sue Johnson, another fantastic practitioner, describes the mystery of romance quite well. I have read much of her work and she has a very unique perspective that I wanted to share with my readers as well. Dr. Johnson talks about how conflict in couples isn't necessarily about a power struggle. More often than not, it is about the pain of losing the connection with the person you love. There really is no manual for the experience of love that every one of us feels.

She says love is not just an intoxicating mix of sex and sentiment. Love is an ancient, wired-in, survival code that is designed to keep the people we depend on close to us. Love can turn off pain and fear. It is the gift that keeps giving. It is powerful magic. In love, you can be the magician that changes everything.

Scientists have finally cracked the love code. We can now intelligently shape our most important relationships. Learning to love starts in childhood. A child needs emotional connection the way they need oxygen. This very special kind of emotional presence and need is carried from childhood throughout our lives. The answer to 'Are you there for me?' is a resounding yes in all secure relationships.

75% of Couples who seek professional help state that they are more satisfied and find that they have repaired their relationship. They are closer, more intimate, are able to forgive infidelities, have a more desirable sex life, and they report that these positive feelings persist years down the line. Life Coaching can help couples who do not feel safe together to move into a more secure bond. When this happens, the brain physically changes. From the point of view of your brain, stepping on a nail triggers the same parts as hearing criticism from your loved one.

Successful couples realize that they are scaring one another. They slow down and start to read their partner's body language and soothe them instead of maintaining the pattern of conflict. Having a positive memory of getting your needs met and fears soothed creates a successful positive bond that can be seen years later. All the evidence suggests that when you have at least one secure connection like this, you are healthier on almost every level.