Commitment and Flexibility in Marriage

In successful long-term relationships, commitment is not about expecting perfection but rather about embracing adaptability. As life unfolds, both partners will inevitably change and grow—personally, professionally, and emotionally. A key factor in sustaining a healthy partnership is the willingness to evolve together and to be flexible in how the relationship operates over time. This is where the concept of "accepting influence" comes into play, as highlighted by Gottman (1999). In thriving marriages, partners are open to each other's ideas, needs, and desires. They accept influence by adapting to changing circumstances, whether that involves shifting household roles, adjusting to new career dynamics, or realigning personal values.

The idea of "accepting influence" is especially important in overcoming rigid expectations about how a marriage should function. In earlier stages of the relationship, couples may have established certain roles or routines that worked well at the time. However, life’s transitions—such as starting a family, advancing in careers, or aging—demand flexibility. Research shows that couples who are willing to adjust their roles and responsibilities in response to these changes tend to be more resilient. Karney and Bradbury (2014) emphasize that couples who are adaptable are better equipped to handle life’s inevitable challenges, maintaining relationship satisfaction even through difficult times.

Embracing Change Together

Change can be uncomfortable, but successful couples recognize that growth is a natural and necessary part of a long-term relationship. Instead of resisting these changes or feeling threatened by them, they work together to integrate each other’s evolving needs and goals into the relationship. This may involve renegotiating how the couple manages household tasks, reassessing financial priorities, or navigating emotional shifts that occur as each partner grows individually. Lundberg and Pollak (2014) found that flexibility in managing family and work roles was a significant predictor of marital stability, particularly in dual-career households.

In addition to practical changes, emotional and psychological growth also play a critical role. As individuals, partners will develop new perspectives, experience personal challenges, and acquire different life goals over time. Couples who can communicate openly about these shifts and support each other’s personal development tend to experience deeper connection and mutual respect. A willingness to embrace personal and relational evolution allows the relationship to grow stronger rather than stagnant.

Navigating Fatigue and Frustration

Even the most successful relationships experience moments of fatigue, frustration, and conflict. What sets these couples apart is how they manage these challenges. Rather than viewing frustration as a sign that something is inherently wrong with the relationship, they see it as part of the natural ebb and flow of long-term commitment. Gottman (1999) points out that every couple experiences conflict, but what matters is how they handle it. Successful couples don't shy away from conflict, but they do engage in constructive communication and maintain a focus on the positive aspects of their relationship.

One key strategy successful couples use to navigate periods of difficulty is gratitude and appreciation. Research by Gordon et al. (2012) highlights that expressing gratitude strengthens relationships by fostering a positive emotional environment. When partners regularly express appreciation for one another—even during challenging times—they are more likely to feel supported and connected, making it easier to work through moments of frustration.

Commitment as a Decision, Not Just a Feeling

Successful long-term relationships are built on the understanding that commitment is not just a feeling; it’s a decision. Partners consciously choose to remain committed, even when things aren’t perfect. This means acknowledging that ups and downs are part of the journey and that working through challenges—rather than walking away—strengthens the relationship over time. Johnson (2013) emphasizes that securely attached couples view their commitment as a choice they make every day, based on their mutual investment in the relationship’s success.

While love and emotional connection are the foundation of any relationship, the decision to remain committed through life’s trials is what sustains long-term partnerships. Couples who see their relationship as a dynamic, evolving entity—rather than something static—are better equipped to weather difficult times. They recognize that growth and change are inevitable, and instead of allowing these changes to drive them apart, they use them as opportunities to grow closer.

Supporting Each Other Through Life’s Ups and Downs

At the core of any successful relationship is mutual support. Life brings unexpected challenges—whether it’s job loss, illness, or the stresses of parenthood—and couples who stand by each other through these ups and downs are more likely to experience long-term satisfaction. Supporting each other means being present during both the highs and the lows, offering emotional encouragement, and being willing to make sacrifices when necessary. Bradbury and Karney (2014)suggest that couples who view their relationship as a team effort—rather than two individuals navigating life separately—are more resilient and better equipped to handle adversity.

In this way, long-term commitment is less about avoiding difficulties and more about facing them together. It’s about being adaptable, embracing change, and maintaining a focus on the overall health of the relationship. Through ongoing communication, flexibility, and a shared sense of purpose, couples can strengthen their bond and build a partnership that not only endures but thrives through life’s inevitable ups and downs.

Conclusion

Long-term commitment is not about perfection but about adaptability and resilience. Successful couples understand that as individuals grow and change, the relationship must evolve too. By embracing flexibility, accepting influence from one another, and maintaining a positive outlook, couples can navigate life’s challenges together. Fatigue and frustration are inevitable, but couples who focus on open communication, mutual support, and gratitude are able to emerge stronger from these moments. Commitment is a daily decision—one that is rooted in the desire to grow and support each other through every season of life.

Over the years, I have helped thousands of couples either find success in their relationships or decide to end them amicably, ensuring both outcomes lead to growth and mutual respect. If you're facing relationship challenges, feel free to reach out to me for personalized support. Additionally, I regularly post concise and insightful blog articles on life, love, and relationships, which can provide you with valuable guidance. Be sure to explore my many posts for practical tips that you can apply to your relationship journey. I hope that you also take the time to dive deeper into these topics through my book, Win at Love, Win at Life, available on Amazon. In the book, I provide strategies to help you assess how to choose the best life partner, overcome challenges, strengthen your relationships, and thrive both personally and as a couple. It’s a must-read for anyone looking to build a fulfilling and balanced life.

Further Reading Recommendations

"Love Me Slender: How Smart Couples Team Up to Lose Weight, Exercise More, and Stay Healthy Together" by Bradbury and Karney (2014) explores how couples can strengthen their relationships while improving their health. The authors provide research-backed strategies for couples to support each other in achieving health and fitness goals, emphasizing the power of teamwork in sustaining both physical well-being and a healthy, fulfilling partnership. This book offers practical advice on how shared health goals can enhance emotional connection and long-term relationship satisfaction. Click here to buy it on Amazon.

"The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work" by John Gottman and Nan Silver is a groundbreaking book based on decades of research into what makes relationships thrive. It provides practical, research-backed advice for couples to strengthen their relationships through improved communication, conflict resolution, and emotional connection. Gottman outlines seven key principles that help couples build a strong foundation of trust and intimacy, offering actionable steps for enhancing long-term relationship satisfaction. This book is a must-read for anyone looking to foster a healthy, lasting marriage. Click here to buy it on Amazon.

"To Have and to Hold: Gratitude Promotes Relationship Maintenance in Intimate Bonds" is a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology that explores how expressing gratitude strengthens romantic relationships. The researchers found that regular expressions of gratitude between partners foster deeper emotional connections, improve relationship satisfaction, and promote long-term relationship maintenance. This study highlights the power of appreciation in reinforcing positive relationship dynamics, making it an essential practice for couples aiming to build strong, lasting bonds. Click here to read the Journal Article.

"Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships" by Dr. Sue Johnson explores the science behind why and how we love, offering groundbreaking insights into the emotional connections that form the foundation of romantic relationships. Based on the latest research in attachment theory, the book explains how secure emotional bonds create lasting love and offers practical strategies for strengthening these bonds in our own relationships. Through real-life examples and scientifically-backed advice, Johnson provides readers with tools to build deeper, more fulfilling partnerships. Click here to buy it on Amazon.

References

Bradbury, T. N., & Karney, B. R. (2014). Love Me Slender: How Smart Couples Team Up to Lose Weight, Exercise More, and Stay Healthy Together. Simon & Schuster.

Gordon, A. M., Impett, E. A., Kogan, A., Oveis, C., & Keltner, D. (2012). To Have and to Hold: Gratitude Promotes Relationship Maintenance in Intimate Bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257-274.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Harmony Books.

Johnson, S. M. (2013). Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships. Little, Brown and Company.

Lundberg, S., & Pollak, R. A. (2014). Cohabitation and the Uneven Retreat from Marriage in the U.S., 1950–2010. Journal of Economic Perspectives, 28(2), 151-172.